The Top 5 Things NOT To Do...

Now try to get that song out of your head. You'll hate me by dinner.

So I stopped watching (or TiVoing) Days of Our Lives and General Hospital about a month ago. I decided I could have an extra hour each day (only takes 30 minutes, max, to fly through the shows when they're on TiVo) by doing this. I need all the time I can get.

Today I checked in for a moment (feeling strongly that I'd missed little at best because there's no reason to watch a soap opera every single day unless you're on bedrest because you can glean the present status of each character after a few scenes once a month).

Imagine my shock when I turned on General Hospital and learned that Laura appears to have again emerged from a catatonic state. However, I'm most disturbed because I don't know when or how she came out of said state nor do I understand why she's hiding from her son Nikolas and now I'm wondering if perhaps she has not come out of a catatonic state but in fact is only a vision to her daughter, LuLu, who is presently following in her mother's footsteps by going clinically insane.

I couldn't ascertain the answers to these questions, which surely would have come after the commercial break, because George was far too interested in the show.

I quickly switched over to Days of Our Lives only to glean that John has regained his memory and is trying to get Marlena back, or so it seemed, however she seems not-so-interested which is most interesting because the last time I watched (and let's remember that this was only a month ago which is, like, 7 minutes in soap opera land) Marlena was ready to slit her wrists to get John's memory (and hence John) back.

I'm so confused. If anyone has a clue what's going on, do let me know.

Now. A few people have asked what the 5 things are Almaz said not to do if you don't want to appear to be (or just plain be) an idiot. Here they are.

1. Do not under any circumstances open the large manila envelope Almaz will give to you along with your child's passport. The only person who can open that envelope is the customs agent once you enter the U.S.

2. Do not under any circumstances leave said envelope in a bathroom or something somewhere. She said women have entered a restroom in the airport, set the envelope down on the counter (or wherever) to wash their hands (or whatever) and then walked off without it.

3. Do not under any circumstances forget to get your child's passport back from the customs official. They keep the envelope, but not your child's passport. You want to be sure to get that back.

4. Do not lose the original copies of the documents you get at the U.S. Embassy in Addis Ababa. You need those for readoption in the U.S. They WILL NOT reissue original copies if you lose yours. And if you email Almaz to request original copies, the email will be mysteriously "lost." There is simply no way to get these documents reissued so guard them with your life.

This is why I took a vinyl accordian folder with me. I put all important documents on the way there and on the way home in it. They were protected from the elements and kept together and with me at all times.

5. I actually forget #5. Karen? Sharon? Anyone? Do you remember?

But if I had to add my own #5, it would be that if you are faced with the short-haired, blond, and clearly bitter woman in customs in D.C. to whom you present the all-important (and unopened) manila envelope, smile and pay little attention to what comes out of her mouth. Like I said, she's bitter. And a bit racist. This is not a good thing when you're standing there with your beautiful (and thankfully, for the moment, non-English speaking) Ethiopian child. Remember, karma will bite her, so you don't need to.